i post like 6  million and no responses.. wowzers...

You know.. it's crazy.. i have a friend that knows i have an ed and she wants to know how she can do it too... do they not understand its not something you want to try and have.. i have it because i look in the mirror and see nothing but fat.. others tell me how great i look and they wish they had my figure but when i see me i see something totally different.. i can't eat.. i run until i'm about to pass out and can't take it anymore.. even then i keep pushing myself.. i check the calories in sugarfree gum and then only eat a fourth of it.. i drink enough water and diet soda in one for probably 5 people.. it concumes me and my life.. i dont fo out and eat with friends and family like other people do because i dont want to be forced to eat what i dont want.. or they will look at what i ordered as if i am crazy.. then i dont eat it and that just makes me even crazier.. in a way i feel like i am in control because i am losing weight.. but then it's like how am i in control if i can't walk into the kitchen and eat a cracker without making sure it doesnt have too many calories in it.. it's not that i dont like the life i have... i'm not disappointed in myself for striving to be thin no matter what.. but why do people want an eating disorder?? i had to put my scale in an inconvienent place because everytime i walked in the bathroom i weighed myself.. even if it was 10 times a day.. so starting today i'm trying to at least wait a week before getting on the scale.. i am doing good.. i have no urge to binge.. tummy isn't hurting or grumbilng today.. and no dizziness or headaches.. although i am getting hot flashes it seems like.. i was in the library with my english class and i had to sit down.. the main point of this is that an eating disorder isn't something to try to achieve.. it's somethin that me and a lot of other girls cant help.. i know i'm rambling but its been a tough night and day.. this pertains not at all to eating disorders.. but my boyfriend that i was completely in love with lied to me for the 10th time i swear last night and i broke it off.. so right now i really just wanted to talk.. blabber.. anything to keep my mind off of him.. thanks for everything girls!!!!! ily

Maggie

although i am very into family my entire family is going to missouri for thanksgiving so i will be alone.. wont be so bad.. that just means i wont have to eat.. and no one will be around tojudge me for that! yay.. my boyfriend ex boyfriend whatever the hell he decides everyday lives in another state and isnt coming here either.. he already knows bout my ed and hates it and always threatens for us to be over.. whatever.. soo abc is going good for me right now.. how about you others..

is there anyone in the us that would want to exchange numbers to text throughout the day incase either of us need it??? if so i'm here... i could always use the support.. 

soo to night on my date what do i eat??? i normally dont eat out because if i do and i go with friends they will eat whatever they want and then question the way i am eating.. my family is bad about it too.. but i dont have a choice.. i mean i guessi could get grilled fish.. who knows what kind of fat they use to cook it... what about sweet potatos with no butter on it??? or zuchini and squash.. or brocolli.. those are the only things they have for sides that wouldnt be filled with fat except salad which i hate.. i know i should aquire a taste for it but i hate it.. the texture makes me sick..help

So, last night i decided to go to bed without eating anything since my 100 cal fish for lunch.. and my piece of bread.. a total of 145 cals for the day.. today i woke up tummy grumbling in the hot shower but i cant eat..  i seriously wont allow myself too.. i think about eating and i drink lots of water.. or i use my red hair tie and pop my wrist.. i have a date tonight so i dont want to eat until then.. if i dont eat he will think i'm nuts.. but i picked a place where i could get a kids grilled fish and veggies so it shouldnt be too bad.. still wont be over 500 cals today considering all i have had is water.. black coffee.. diet coke.. half a piece of sugar free gum and a couple of carrots.. being able to buy a size 3 this weekend was so amazing! =) well, if anyone needs to talk i'm definately here. i know there are many times i wish i could talk to someone or have them tell me not to eat to keep up the good work.. its hard at times but its so worth it.. its starting to get easier to not even want to eat anything... hope all is well.. oh yeah its a blind date.. i'm pretty nervous..a friend set us up.. wish me look!! hopefully i will look great and he will think so too!!

Current Mood: sleepy

soo instead of a red bracelet i went to claires, icing.. and bought really cute red hair ties.. i wear a cuper cute red hair tie on my wrist.. that way it represents me and i can use it to pop my wrist when food comes to mind!! yay!!! 

 So today without dinner so far i have had i think 200 calories.. my mom brought me dinner to work.. grilled fish 100 calories.. carrotes about 45 calories... eat it or no??? my body is telling my no.. my mind is telling me i will get huge if i do.. but i feel like i want to eat.. then i dont.. maybe i will just eat a couple of carrots and have a diet soda.. HELPPP.... also.. if anyone needs someone to talk to on a regular basis feel free to email me at mayganneal@yahoo.com.. i could definately use a support system.. i want to be at least a size 0 hopefully a double 00... right now i'm a 5/6.. and 138 freaking lbs!! oh help!!! thanks!! love you all!!

So I started ana boot camp today!! so far i'm doing fabulous.. but i still feel like a fat pig.. i had grilled fish for lunch.. 100 cals.. a piece of bread with mustard 50 cals.. and for dinner grilled fish 100 cals and carrots.. 30 cals.. but i feel like i have eaten all day.. my mom is bringing my dinner to work.. i'm thinking about just throwing it away.. i dont think i can eat it without feeling horrble.. well.. this is also my first post.. waited a bit for it but here i am.. soo my highest weight.. kind of embarrassing.. 165.. cw-136.. my goal weight 100 lbs.. i want to lose at least 10 lbs in 2 weeks.. i think i can handle it.. well, i could certainly use friends to talk too and help me.. i live in texas and we all know southern folks like to eat and well all my friends and family love food.. nasty junk food.. blah!!! so it's not like any of them are joining me in this strive for thinness!!! thanks!

Maygan

I'm new to this.. seeing how it goes.. hopefully it will help me